Alone

I'm alone and it's something I've just gotten used to. I don't mind it but no one is worth my time. I'm not willing to beg and plead to have someone by my side. I deserve love, not what I've had before. Never again will I grovel.
I just purchased my first real double bass bow. It's a beautiful pernumbuco bow made by Stephan Kuhnla. I think it's just what I need to be a successful bass player. It's really going to inspire me to be great. Also just ordered some new shorts off of Jcrew. 5 inch inseam. Might be completely scary.

I wish

I wish I could be with you again. I love you more than anything in the whole world. I'll never love a person again like I love you. Come back to me.

Classical

Listening to classical music always puts me in an interesting mood. I'm incredibly pissed off and annoyed but at the same time I'm centered, thinking clearly, and feel like I could conquer any obstacle. I wish I could live the lives of the composers that I study. Shostakovitch and most of the other brilliant minds of those days lived such simple lives. Why must I be forced to work through drama? Why do I need to deal with the unwilling. I'm old enough to know that all I want is to give my heart to someone and just let them have it. Why is it so hard to find someone willing to love, someone willing to sacrifice everything for even just a flicker of a chance at happiness? I used to read that classical works would be influenced by certain poems or people and I would always think "That's incredibly silly, it's just music." but when you've felt the emotions the composers are attempting to show you it becomes truly clear what was going through their minds when they wrote the things they wrote. I'm tired of living with the complexities of this life. Nothing would make me happier than having nothing more than having a wife and kids and my instrument. Life is simple. Nothing can ever show me more joy than that found in music. Too be successful I need to realize where my priorities should be. No more throwing away my life by being lazy or overemotional. Genius isn't something that can be developed but it's something that can be found within myself.

oof

I really feel like a balloon with no air in it right now. I don't know why it hurts so much. I cried so much before but right now I just feel empty. No tears, no emotion, I just feel alone. I don't know why anything happened but it just hurts. I hope these feelings fade with time because she was the first person I've ever loved. I'll never feel anything like that again. I feel so empty. Oof.

Jana

I've been really torn up today. I don't know what to think. All I want is to write pages and pages about how much I love Jana but I know it's not the right thing to do for her right now. I can't wait for the day when she finally comes back to me and realizes how much we mean to each other. I'll never forget how much I love her and cherish her. It was never my intention to forget about what her desires were or to smother her but it's so hard to gauge what's right and what isn't in a long distance relationship. I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms and just tell her how much I care. Jana has my heart, soul, and all I desire is having her back. I won't be happy until we're happy together.

I love you so much baby.

Osho

I've been reading a lot about Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) lately. He seems like a real incredible dude and I'm really going to try to learn more about his teachings. I'm not a directly religious person and my main stance on life is to be open to everything and just try to find what's right for me. In his later years someone asked him what his 10 commandments would be and he decided to make these up for fun. I really think the way he lived his life is a great way for anyone to live their own. So here are his commandments.

1. Never obey anyone's command unless it is coming from within you also.

2. There is no God other than life itself.

3. Truth is within you, do not search for it elsewhere.

4. Love is prayer.

5. To become a nothingness is the door to truth. Nothingness itself is the means, the goal and attainment.

6. Life is now and here.

7. Live wakefully.

8. Do not swim – float.

9. Die each moment so that you can be new each moment.

10. Do not search. That which is, is. Stop and see.

It's crazy that I've never seen this before. I'm going to try to be more like Osho and embody the principals he lived his life by.

In addition to that, I broke up with Becca. I'm so happy I made the decision to stop being abused and now I'm dating the most wonderful girl in the whole world. Jana M. Verdes. She's so beautiful and wonderful and without her I don't know where I would be right now. She's so wonderful and I can't wait to spend the next four years of my life with her. When you move into a healthy relationship where you really care about the other person you can really see how bad it was before. I thought I was happy but I was never happy until I met Jana.

Animosity

I'm really becoming tired of all the animosity I'm forced to face day by day.  It seems that no matter what amends I seek the New Ethics kids will always be resistant to resolve.  Everyone is in some big badass cool contest.

Logan broke edge.  I'm not really too surprised but it's just another things that's tearing me down right now.  Someone that I called my best friend - my biggest supporter is now just another minion on the other team.  If he's not straight edge now then he never was.

A new personal goal of mine is going to be to lose 25 pounds over summer.  I'm not sure how realistic the number is but instead of doing it the bad way I plan on working out daily and cutting out the chips and soycream.  Becca and I have been living and extremely indulgent lifestyle but I can already see a change in my body after only two months.  I'd like to be able to fit into my old jeans again and slim down to the point where my size mediums are comfortably loose instead of see -everything tight.

People have been talking about whether or not it's right to have children.  Some of the people I respect most believe that it's not fair to the environment but I personally don't currently share that view.  I feel as if it's my inherent nature to reproduce and share the love I have with another person with the world.  If I didn't produce a child I would consider my life incomplete.  I seem to be less anti-authority than other people and I still wonder where it's because I'm uneducated or because I'm willing to use my own mind.  A cop has never done anything to hurt me, or anyone around me.  Cops eliminate drunk driving and limit the consumption of alcohol.  I can see negatives to the institution but a vigilante government is the last thing I want.

Happy two month anniversary to me and Becca.

Fuck you.