I'm alone and it's something I've just gotten used to. I don't mind it but no one is worth my time. I'm not willing to beg and plead to have someone by my side. I deserve love, not what I've had before. Never again will I grovel.
I just purchased my first real double bass bow. It's a beautiful pernumbuco bow made by Stephan Kuhnla. I think it's just what I need to be a successful bass player. It's really going to inspire me to be great. Also just ordered some new shorts off of Jcrew. 5 inch inseam. Might be completely scary.
Alone
I wish
I wish I could be with you again. I love you more than anything in the whole world. I'll never love a person again like I love you. Come back to me.
Classical
Listening to classical music always puts me in an interesting mood. I'm incredibly pissed off and annoyed but at the same time I'm centered, thinking clearly, and feel like I could conquer any obstacle. I wish I could live the lives of the composers that I study. Shostakovitch and most of the other brilliant minds of those days lived such simple lives. Why must I be forced to work through drama? Why do I need to deal with the unwilling. I'm old enough to know that all I want is to give my heart to someone and just let them have it. Why is it so hard to find someone willing to love, someone willing to sacrifice everything for even just a flicker of a chance at happiness? I used to read that classical works would be influenced by certain poems or people and I would always think "That's incredibly silly, it's just music." but when you've felt the emotions the composers are attempting to show you it becomes truly clear what was going through their minds when they wrote the things they wrote. I'm tired of living with the complexities of this life. Nothing would make me happier than having nothing more than having a wife and kids and my instrument. Life is simple. Nothing can ever show me more joy than that found in music. Too be successful I need to realize where my priorities should be. No more throwing away my life by being lazy or overemotional. Genius isn't something that can be developed but it's something that can be found within myself.
oof
I really feel like a balloon with no air in it right now. I don't know why it hurts so much. I cried so much before but right now I just feel empty. No tears, no emotion, I just feel alone. I don't know why anything happened but it just hurts. I hope these feelings fade with time because she was the first person I've ever loved. I'll never feel anything like that again. I feel so empty. Oof.
Jana
I've been really torn up today. I don't know what to think. All I want is to write pages and pages about how much I love Jana but I know it's not the right thing to do for her right now. I can't wait for the day when she finally comes back to me and realizes how much we mean to each other. I'll never forget how much I love her and cherish her. It was never my intention to forget about what her desires were or to smother her but it's so hard to gauge what's right and what isn't in a long distance relationship. I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms and just tell her how much I care. Jana has my heart, soul, and all I desire is having her back. I won't be happy until we're happy together.
I love you so much baby.
Osho
I've been reading a lot about Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) lately. He seems like a real incredible dude and I'm really going to try to learn more about his teachings. I'm not a directly religious person and my main stance on life is to be open to everything and just try to find what's right for me. In his later years someone asked him what his 10 commandments would be and he decided to make these up for fun. I really think the way he lived his life is a great way for anyone to live their own. So here are his commandments.
1. Never obey anyone's command unless it is coming from within you also.
2. There is no God other than life itself.
3. Truth is within you, do not search for it elsewhere.
4. Love is prayer.
5. To become a nothingness is the door to truth. Nothingness itself is the means, the goal and attainment.
6. Life is now and here.
7. Live wakefully.
8. Do not swim – float.
9. Die each moment so that you can be new each moment.
10. Do not search. That which is, is. Stop and see.
It's crazy that I've never seen this before. I'm going to try to be more like Osho and embody the principals he lived his life by.
In addition to that, I broke up with Becca. I'm so happy I made the decision to stop being abused and now I'm dating the most wonderful girl in the whole world. Jana M. Verdes. She's so beautiful and wonderful and without her I don't know where I would be right now. She's so wonderful and I can't wait to spend the next four years of my life with her. When you move into a healthy relationship where you really care about the other person you can really see how bad it was before. I thought I was happy but I was never happy until I met Jana.
Animosity
I'm really becoming tired of all the animosity I'm forced to face day by day. It seems that no matter what amends I seek the New Ethics kids will always be resistant to resolve. Everyone is in some big badass cool contest.
Logan broke edge. I'm not really too surprised but it's just another things that's tearing me down right now. Someone that I called my best friend - my biggest supporter is now just another minion on the other team. If he's not straight edge now then he never was.
A new personal goal of mine is going to be to lose 25 pounds over summer. I'm not sure how realistic the number is but instead of doing it the bad way I plan on working out daily and cutting out the chips and soycream. Becca and I have been living and extremely indulgent lifestyle but I can already see a change in my body after only two months. I'd like to be able to fit into my old jeans again and slim down to the point where my size mediums are comfortably loose instead of see -everything tight.
People have been talking about whether or not it's right to have children. Some of the people I respect most believe that it's not fair to the environment but I personally don't currently share that view. I feel as if it's my inherent nature to reproduce and share the love I have with another person with the world. If I didn't produce a child I would consider my life incomplete. I seem to be less anti-authority than other people and I still wonder where it's because I'm uneducated or because I'm willing to use my own mind. A cop has never done anything to hurt me, or anyone around me. Cops eliminate drunk driving and limit the consumption of alcohol. I can see negatives to the institution but a vigilante government is the last thing I want.
Happy two month anniversary to me and Becca.
Fuck you.
Past
I really have no idea what last night was about. As soon as I got into bed all this drama started. What am I supposed to believe when it comes to all of this? I'm all about patching up what I had with Brianna to try to be friends and all that. Whatever. I guess I'll take things as they go and continue posting insignificant blogs about my daily quarrels.
Tattoos
I've always liked tattoos. My whole life. I guess I never really imagined being covered with tattoos until recently but it seems like a very tangible thing at this point in time. I want my right arm to be finished before I really get anything else done but a sleeve is such an important thing. I'm really overwhelmed trying to think about possibilities for something that important. After I get my arm done I'd really love getting one of my thighs and my feet. My calf's are really the most important place for me because I want portraits on my calfs. Those will probably not be done until I'm 20 or 21. I guess when it comes down to it all of them are equally important, but I plan on my calfs being done by a really good tattoo artist. Money is no object.
Everything is going really well. I got Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam in the mail today. Definitely one of my favotite albums. I should be getting Cold World - Dedicated to Babies... in the next few days. I saw Mark, Brianna, and JB outside walmart tonight. I'm not sure if I'll ever be cool enough to hangout outside walmart but I guess one day I might be worthy. I'll be hitting up KC's Music Alley again on May 17th. Be there (http://www.last.fm/event/1030339). I have court to pick up my plastic drivers liscense the day after that. Also probably going to PA with Logan and Becca to see Floor Punch. Be there faggots. Mother of Mercy and Mongo's. Peace.
Homework all day
Erreyday.
No sleep. Earth Crisis was fun. Hope Paul's okay. I want to bake some cookies tonight. All is good.
Senior Assassins. I have to go get a water gun.
New Records
Iron and Wine and the Meatmen. I'm going to finish all my senior work tonight. If I'm done by ten Nara for a show. Good life.
Swineflu for lyfe.
School
I really hate school. It sucks so much and I really can't connect with anyone there except Becca. It's literally the most shitty place in the whole world. I want a new bike. Like a racing bike. Why do I feel like I need money so badly? Whatever.
I'm over the whole twitter thing. Why do people need 5+ social networking sites? I feel as if Facebook has kind of revolutionized the whole networking thing. Another thing I really hate about internet subculture are viral successes. Why do things like Boxxy (Link) and FML get so popular?
Oh and Virginia needs a velodrone.
Life
I'm not really sure what's going on right now. I think I'm going to start looking for a job so I can always have some security in my life. I literally have 63 cents in my bank account right now and it's quite a shitty feeling when you realize you can't even afford a gallon of gas. I want to be able to get more tattoos, a new phone, stuff for my dog when I move out, records, and furnishings for the new apartment. Why is life so hard? I don't know. Maybe that's just how all teens go through life. I hope I get some financial security sooner or later. Maybe after graduation. Oh and Becca will be gone until Saturday. Blows. I'm playing in an orchestra concert Sunday night. Everyone in the whole world should come. Good night.
Here's a bear for you.
Records
So I've officially begun my record collection. I wasted so much time before I began but I guess I never really realized that it was going to be so convenient. After school I had detention and picked up Becca after that. Nomnomnom'd some chipotle and went to orchestra. Vinyl Conflicts was so sick and I can't wait to go back again with more money. Everything is so good right now. Government Warning show tomorrow. Be there.
Click to view full size image.
Happiness
I finally got my camera back today! Here are some pictures of my favorite little guy Gus. I had an awesome day. Bass recital, chillin with Austin and Kayla, and then seeing Becca for the first time in like four days. I can't wait for this week. Everything is working itself out again.
Oh and Austin is my new official best friend and little sister. Suq it son.
<3
Exhaustion
Everything in my life has become exhausting. I have to finish what is essentially my whole senior year in two weeks. I have to learn the Eccles Sonata and work tirelessly on my bass playing so I can get into a more prestigious school this time next year. I need to get straight A's in my Godwin classes in the fourth nine weeks to guarantee good marks. I really hope that I'll get to reap the fruits of my labor soon.
A few things on my horizon that I'm really looking forward to are that I have an orchestra performance with the Richmond Symphony Youth Orchestra in May that will be excellent. If you want to go just let me know and I'll hook you up with information. I'm also looking to move into my apartment. Once I'm there and have a job and all that I'm going to start collecting vinyl. Mainly jazz, punk, hardcore, and indie. I can't wait. There are a few albums I've wanted for over a year that I've held back on and I think attempting to amass a broad collection will be a hobby I can really get behind in the future.
I'm really starting to think that my life sucks more than I think it does. If everything doesn't work I don't know where I'll be in even just a few months. It hurts so much to think that someone doesn't care as much as you do. I guess that's all I need to say for now. I have no plans on a Friday night. Being grounded is so depressing.
Passion
I have to say that the reason I'm starting a blog is that I feel a little betrayed. As more and more days pass by I'm feeling a pull towards love that I'm just not sure she feels. I don't mean anything by it, but I just feel like there's no one in the world I could care about more than her. Maybe it's just separation anxiety, but it's only been one day and I already miss her more than the world. I think that ever since I was grounded there was a dynamic change and I just don't know why. I wish there was a way to just snap my fingers and go back to two or three weeks ago. When it comes down to it I guess there are worse things than caring too much, but it's impossible for me to not be worried. I hope things settle down soon. I'm sure everything will work out. There's no way I won't make everything work. I have no doubts about my relationship with Becca. I just want everything to be okay again. My parents need to calm down and stop giving her shit. She's really a great girl. I feel like the only thing I have right now is Becca and my own beliefs. No matter where I am I'll always have straight edge. The things that I'm passionate about really fuse together who I am and what I'm going to become. This week has been a real roller coaster and it's just overwhelming. I love my new dog Gus, but I wish he didn't make so my parents so mad. They took my camera, car, wallet, ipod, keys, headphones, computer, and money. I'm not sure what to do to make everything right with them and it doesn't help that Logan isn't behind me right now either.
I just want everything right. My life is really coming together now and I can't wait to graduate and get my apartment.
And more than anything I want my camera back. I need my pictures of Gus.
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